What a strange thing to lose someone close and not feel a thing. The shame I felt for so long. What was wrong with me? I felt nothing but emptiness. The only time I cried was when my older brother came to the hospital to see my mom but couldn't come into the room. It wouldn't be the last time she would be there but it was one of the last few. I saw him standing in the hallway and I put my arm around him. He was crying and it made me cry.
I don't know what triggered it later. This overwhelming feeling of grief. I have no control over it. Sometimes it happens for no reason. I will be sitting with friends at work and I feel the tears. Movies, pictures, events, families doing things. I never know when it will happen. I just know it hurts. It makes me remember all the things me and my mom did together. I remember borrowing her car when I was 20 and my mom wanted to come with me because she didn't trust my driving. I drove for a living but at that moment I felt like a child. All those things I would never get to ask my mom. One time on my way to visit my dad I remember wanting to ask her something about my childhood. I had forgotten she had passed away. The past few years I refused to think about it. Then it seemed like everyone I was close to were in the hospital. My friends grandmother passed away. I was lucky to be with her in her last days. She was like a second mother to me.
I know I am not the only one to experience loss but I can't help feeling alone.
There are times when I pick up the phone and dial my grandmother's number so that I can tell her about my day. I've done it more than once, before I realize no one will answer. You're not alone, but I think it's normal to feel the way you do. You can always talk to me - if you want. Your mother - she's with you. You can still ask her anything you want, but it just may be a bit longer before you can get the answers. I love you.
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